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Worst Things to Say to a Fan After a Loss

Saturday, April 6, 2013 8:31 PM

I hate losing. It’s the absolute worst. Even talking about it now is putting me in a bad mood. I once had a coach who would say he hates losing more than he loves winning. That rings true for me as a fan. When my team loses, I don’t want to be bothered. No, I don’t want to check out the picture of your friend who got engaged. No, I’m not hungry. No, I don’t need anything from the store. I just want to sit here in silence and stare blankly at this wall for about half an hour. Above all else, please do not engage me in conversation. Over the years, of course, I’ve heard a variety of things that people say to try to cheer you up. Sure, the intentions are there; you just don’t want to hear any of it. Here are the top three worst things to say to a fan after a loss, in no particular order.

“You guys will get them next time.”

Listen to me. I need you to go row a boat immediately. Just go away. I don’t care if we play them again the next day or the next season, we will never make up for that loss.

“Well, at least you guys won yesterday.”

Yeah, and I felt amazing! It was an incredible day! Now that you’ve reminded me about how awesome yesterday was, I’m now more depressed about today’s loss. Thanks, but no thanks. Please go fly a kite somewhere far from me.

“At least it was a good game.”

You know how a bloop single looks the same in the boxscore as a line drive? Well it doesn’t matter if it’s a blowout or a one-run game, a loss is a loss. Sure, it was entertaining, but now I want to strangle a cactus. I’d rather be blown out because then my hopes aren’t sky high and my blood pressure remains far from dangerous levels.

P.S. I’m not that insane. I know how many games there are in a year and that my team is going to lose some. I just don’t want to do anything for at least half an hour after a loss. If you say any of the above quotes to me after a loss, however, I might not talk to you for days on end.

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