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MLB All Skinny Team

Wednesday, June 5, 2013 5:19 PM

In ancient times, skinny men were seen as conniving, pale and always having runny noses. No one wanted to be near them because they didn't have any meat.*

But it's 2013 now! We need to change our thinking! Expand our understanding of the skinny man. I myself am a skinny man and have been my whole life. Am I conniving? No. Am I pale? Yes. See? Already I am a more complicated person than the stereotype.

So, in accordance with my mission to end once and for all the awful stereotypes surrounding skinny men, I'll start in baseball. I love a skinny ballplayer. In order to bring more LOVE to the skinny man in baseball, I've put together my MLB All-Skinny team for 2013 so you'll know who to look out for. Here they are:

Pitchers

Starter - Chris Sale

Closer - Tom Wilhelmsen

Set-Up - Jerry Blevins

Position Players

OF - B.J. Upton

OF - Juan Pierre

OF - Ichiro Suzuki

3B - Didi Gregorious

SS - Dee Gordon (lightest player in MLB)

2B - Jurickson Profar

1B - Brandon Belt

C - Rob Brantly

Bench - Alexei Ramirez

A few notes:

1. Shortstop is the skinniest position.

2. Skinny men are usually young (Exception: Ichiro, who is old as hell), because the older you get the fatter you get (Exhibit A: My Father).

3. I didn't consider any St. Louis Cardinals because I don't like that team.

4. Wouldn't this be an unbelievably exciting team to watch? Once they'd get on base they'd be bunting and slapping singles and diving head first ALL OVER THE PLACE. So many robbed Home Runs. So much infield ground covered.

5.Ugh, so fast.

6. Sure, they're not gonna hit many home runs but 1 inside-the-park home run is worth 10 regular home runs excitement-wise.

*I'm not really sure if any of this is true, but I feel like I heard something like this somewhere at some point.

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