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04/04/08 9:16 AM ET
Feldman's 13 Fearless Fantasy Predictions's resident soothsayer offers curious look into immediate future
Sausage Race veteran Frankie Furter (left) will be swallowed whole shortly after the All-Star Game. (AP)


With the season only about a week old, I figured there's still plenty of time for me to make some fearless predictions about how the year will play out.

And while some experts are projecting big things from Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman and others are flagging Royals starter Zack Greinke as a serious sleeper, let's just say I have some other things in mind.

So with that, I present Feldman's 13 Fearless Fantasy Predictions.

Hate to say I told ya so...

1. On July 17, the Brewers send backup catcher Mike Rivera to help fill in for their popular Sausage Race after recently converted vegetarian Prince Fielder consumes regular Sausage Race participant Frankie Furter in a brief moment of weakness.

2. After playing in an afternoon home game for the Astros at Minute Maid Park, Michael Bourn gets traded to the Mariners and bats leadoff in their night game at Safeco Field that very day, simply by running from Houston to Seattle.

3. A week after holding "Magglio Ordonez 2-in-1 Shampoo-Conditioner Giveaway Night," The Tigers hold a "Be our Setup Man Against the Blue Jays Night" to help compensate for the efforts of Denny Bautista (14.62 ERA), Aquilino Lopez (27.91 ERA), Yorman Bazardo (42.38 ERA) and Todd Jones (117.43 ERA).

4. Dusty Baker's latest prodigy, Johnny Cueto, wins the National League Cy Young Award, Rookie of the Year and Most Valuable Player after winning 41 games and striking out 498 batters over a record 612 innings pitched. After Cueto is forced to retire that offseason with a peculiar injury known as "dangling arm," the Reds' other top young pitching prospect, Homer Bailey, asks Baker if he can give shortstop a try.

5. San Antonio Spurs point guard and NBA All-Star Tony Parker shows up for a Tuesday night Rangers-Rays game at Tropicana Field after misreading a headline in the San Antonio Express-News that his wife would be starting at third base for the Rays.

6. After brothers Bengie, Yadier and Jose Molina shockingly announce that they will collectively retire at the end of the year to star in an Off-Broadway play called "Still Squatting," Major League Baseball officially retires the last name Molina . Commissioner Bud Selig announces that "considering everything the Molina brothers have done for baseball, sports and humanity, no player will ever wear the Molina nameplate again." After filing a grievance with the MLB Players Association, baseball's lone unrelated Molina catcher, Gustavo, is grandfathered into the rule as "The Last of the Molinas."

7. Yes, Rich Harden will stay healthy. And yes, he will have a monster season.

8. On May 14, the Twins defeat the Red Sox, 20-0, by launching 20 consecutive solo home runs in Curt Schilling's long-awaited return from the disabled list. After the disastrous outing, Schilling declines to apologize for his May 13 blog post entitled "Here Are the First 20 Pitches I will Throw Tomorrow Against the Twins."

9. After starting the season 10-41, the Yankees trade Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, Melky Cabrera and prospect Austin Jackson to the Angels for starting pitcher Ervin Santana. With Brian Cashman nowhere to be found, Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner sheepishly announces at the ensuing press conference that "We finally got the Santana we wanted all along!"

10. The Royals finish in second place in the American League Central, ahead of the Tigers and behind the Indians. There's no punch line here, they're really just that good.

11. After finally finishing the book "The Secret" in July, a positive-thinking, fully focused free-agent-to-be Manny Ramirez goes on a rampage and hits safely in 73 straight second-half games. In a related story,'s fantasy department folds after giving away $1 million in Beat the Streak prize money.

12. After starting the season a combined 0-17 while receiving 0.63 runs of support per game, Giants starters Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain take infielder Brian Bocock hostage in a bizarre attempt to force general manager Brian Sabean to make a trade for someone who bats over .225.

13. While being interviewed during a Major League Baseball game in Japan, Japanese Pacific League legend Orestes Destrade demonstrates his ridiculous old home run swing, where he pantomimes this strange Bruce Lee/Ryu from "Street Fighter II" fireball-by-arm thingy before pointing to the camera and shouting, "SAYONARA BABY!" Oh wait ... that actually happened.

Dave Feldman is a fantasy writer for This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Baseball or its clubs.