The following is what would not happen if MLB.com fantasy reporter Dave Feldman were to interview Beat the Streak leader spooky93, whose identity remains unknown in spite of his much-publicized 48-game streak entering Friday's action.
Feldman: Thanks for taking the time to meet with us, spooky93. You've been harder to track down than Carmen Sandiego herself. The intrigue surrounding your concealed identity has almost overshadowed your impressive streak itself. It's like you've taken "Who's John Galt?" to a whole 'nother level.
spooky93: Thank you, Dave. Before we get started, I'd like to just point out that this phone interview will last no longer than 4 minutes and 59 seconds, as my "burner" cell phone is designed to disintegrate after any five-minute conversation in order to keep my calls untraceable from governmental authorities. I'd like to give a shout out to Marlo Stanfield and Stringer Bell from "The Wire" for this tip. You guys have been my inspiration throughout this grueling process.
Feldman: Umm ... OK, then. Moving on, in years past, we've featured Beat the Streak leaders on MLB.com, revealed their names and had actual interviews with them, only to see their bid for 56 fail in the next couple of days, like clockwork. It's like the SI jinx wrapped around the Madden curse juxtaposed with a Magic Eye book in the Bermuda Triangle. Now, here at MLB.com, while we fully support our Beat the Streakers, the higher-ups have already informed us that a $1 million payout would greatly jeopardize Free Hot Wing Fridays for all employees in 2009.
spooky93: I'm well aware of the MLB.com Beat the Streak jinx. I don't know anyone who isn't. That's why I go by the moniker of spooky93. Clearly, that isn't my name. Everyone knows that the next member of the spooky family would be spooky87, so obviously I'm making this up.
Feldman: Wow, so your actual name starts with spooky and is somewhere between spooky1 and spooky 87?
spooky93: It's possible. But you're wasting your time. By my clock, you have just under two and a half minutes left, and you've wasted your questions on utter nonsense.
Feldman: Why thank you ... spooky45?
spooky93: Not even close.
Feldman: I thought I had you there. Now, I've noticed from the BTS blog that you've picked Ichiro Suzuki more than anyone. In most years, I would never question this, but Ichiro -- a lifetime .331 hitter -- is batting only .295 this year. So what gives?
spooky93: Look, everyone knows the deal. He's a leadoff hitter. He's tied for third-most at-bats in the Majors, which means he has more opportunities to succeed than most. Also, as you said, he's a career .331 hitter. It's only a matter of time before he goes bongos and hits .400 for a month. Plus, I've always loved the whole running-after-swing thing. It gets me every time.
Feldman: Me too! Who doesn't!? I've written about it before and theorized that since Kosuke Fukudome also does it, there has to be some Japanese equivalent to the "Tom Emanski's Defensive Drills" video starring Fred McGriff, with some old Japanese Pacific League legend like Orestes Destrade teaching the method behind this madness. Don't you think, spooky18?
spooky93: Nice try. You have one last question. Make it count.
Feldman: I guess I'm legally obligated to ask what you'll do with all your money should you take home the prize, so let's end with that.
spooky93: I'm not really sure. I guess charity is always an option. I have some college loans that have yet to expire. I've always wanted to buy a unicorn. And maybe I'll donate some money to the "Bring Joey Back to 'Real World: Hollywood' Foundation." I mean, it's a great cause. The show hasn't been the same without him.
Feldman: Couldn't agree more. I'd like to take this time to thank our guest for coming on for an interview. It seems like we have about eight seconds before his phone will turn into ash. Thank you, spooky93, whoever you are.
spooky93: Alright, I'll cave. My real name is Spooky fifty-ssssssss.
Feldman: I guess we'll never know.